Mayo Clinic Health Library

Women's sexual health: Talking about your sexual needs

Updated: 04-02-2011

Women's sexual health, like men's, is important to overall emotional and physical well-being. And achieving a healthy and satisfying sex life doesn't happen by magic. It takes self-reflection and candid communication. Although talking about sexuality can be difficult, it's a topic well worth addressing. Follow this guide to discussing women's sexual health concerns and promoting sexual enjoyment.

A bit about women's sexual health

Many people think that sex starts with physical desire, which leads to arousal and then orgasm. Although this may be true for men, research suggests that women's sexual responses may be more complex. For many women, physical desire is not always the starting point. A woman may be motivated to have sex to feel close to her partner or to show her feelings.

What it means to be sexually fulfilled may differ for men and women, and even among women. For example, some women say the pleasure of arousal is sufficient, while others want to experience orgasm. If you have concerns about your sex life, or you just want to find ways to enhance it, a good first step is talking with your partner.

Women's sexual health: Start by talking about your needs

You may feel uncomfortable talking about your sexual experiences and desires; however, your partner can't read your mind. Sharing your thoughts and expectations about your sexual experiences can bring you closer together and help you experience greater sexual enjoyment. To get started:

  • Admit your discomfort. If you feel anxious, say so. Opening up about your concerns may help you start the conversation.
  • Start talking. Once you begin the conversation, your confidence and comfort level may increase.
  • Set a time limit. Avoid overwhelming each other with a lengthy talk. By devoting 15-minute conversations to the topic, you might find it easier to stay within your emotional comfort zones.
  • Talk regularly. Your conversations about sexual experiences and desires will get easier the more you talk.
  • Use a book or movie. Invite your partner to read a book about women's sexual health, or recommend chapters or sections that highlight your questions and concerns. You might also use a movie scene as a starting point for a discussion.

Topics to address with your partner

When you're talking to your partner about your sexual needs, try to be specific. Consider addressing these topics:

  • Time. Are you setting aside enough time for intimacy? If not, what can you do to change things?
  • Romance. Is it missing? How can you reignite it? How can romance set the stage for sexual intimacy?
  • Pleasure. What gives you individual and mutual enjoyment? Be open to hearing your partner's requests and negotiating differences if one of you is uncomfortable with the other's request.
  • Routine vs. rut. Has sex become too routine or predictable? What changes might you make? For instance, explore different times to have sex or try new techniques. Consider more cuddling, a sensual massage, masturbation, oral sex or the use of a vibrator — depending on what interests you.
  • Emotional intimacy. Sex is more than intercourse. Remind each other that it's also an opportunity for emotional connection, which builds closeness in a relationship.
  • Physical and emotional changes. Are physical changes, such as an illness, weight gain, changes after surgery or hormonal changes, affecting your sex life? Also address emotional factors that may be interfering with your ability to enjoy sexual activity, such as being under stress or feeling depressed.
  • Beliefs. Discuss your beliefs and expectations about sexuality. Consider whether misconceptions — such as the idea that women become less sexual after menopause — are affecting your sex life.

How to handle differing sexual needs

Sexual needs vary. Many factors can affect your sexual appetite, from stress, illness and aging to family, career and social commitments. Whatever the cause, differences in sexual desire between partners can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation or resentment. Talk to your partner about:

  • Your intimacy needs. If your emotional needs aren't being met, you may be less interested in sex. Think about what your partner could do to enhance your emotional intimacy — and talk about it openly and honestly.
  • Your differences in sexual desire. In any long-term relationship, couples may experience differing levels of sexual desire. Discuss your differences and try to explore options that will satisfy both of you.

When to talk with your doctor

If your difficulty persists, consider turning to a doctor or sex therapist for help. If you take medications and are concerned about your level of desire, review your medications with your doctor. If a particular medication is affecting your comfort with sex or desire for sex, your doctor may be able to suggest an alternative. Likewise, if a physical symptom — such as vaginal dryness — is interfering with your sexual enjoyment, ask about treatment options. For example, a lubricant or other medication can help with vaginal dryness associated with hormonal changes or other factors.

Likewise, if a physical symptom — such as vaginal dryness — is interfering with your sexual enjoyment, ask about treatment options. For example, a lubricant or other medication can help with vaginal dryness associated with hormonal changes or other factors.