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Pastoral Approaches with the Bereaved
There are no specific rules to help pastors minister to those who grieve.
There are, however, several basic guidelines to pastoral care with bereaved persons.
A Clergyperson must know him or herself
People generally have a strong aversion to letting themselves be involved in
the grief, terror and helplessness of others. Before clergy can empathize with someone
who is experiencing these feelings, we must be able to accept and recognize these feelings
in ourselves. This cuts quickly to the core of how we see ourselves as ministers. Are we
the ones with the answers, or are we human beings who struggle? What does the bereaved
expect from us? What image do they have of a minister and how have we presented ourselves
to affirm or deny that image? For many of us the question becomes not, "What can I say?"
but "How much of this can I hear?" Can we tolerate another's grief enough to allow it to
reverberate within ourselves?
When we are not at home with these issues in our personal and ministerial lives, we will
begin to rely on past answers and religious rituals. Stock phrases such as "It was God's
will", "God needed another little angel", "God will not give you more than you can bear"
and "We should be happy. He is with God now." send the message that the clergyperson
cannot dwell with the bereaved in the chaos of loss. Likewise, a hasty retreat to prayer
or scripture reading indicates a similar discomfort. As a result the bereaved is
abandoned by their clergy. The bereaved may say these things or request immediate prayer
or scripture reading, but there is a qualitative difference in who does the initiating.
A Clergyperson must listen
Grief resolution is only prolonged when open discussion of feelings is avoided.
Full release from the hold that emotions of any kind have on us depends on their being
heard. The listening that brings healing requires an active, involved stance on the part
of the listener. It is not simply nodding and saying "Mm-hm" occasionally (though it may
appear to be just that to the casual observer). Active listening reflects back to the
speaker the core of what they have said and thereby communicates to them that they have
been heard. While the listener sometimes feels that he or she is not "doing" anything to
help the speaker, the experience from the perspective of the speaker is very different.
Additionally, the bereaved needs to tell the story of their loss over and over again.
Each time the bereaved does this they are attempting to fit together the pieces of their
story so it will eventually make sense. This kind of self-healing is best accomplished
when someone listens.
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