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Inadequate Listening
In conversation it is easy for us to be distracted from what the other person is saying.
We get involved in our own thoughts or we begin to think about what we are going to say in
reply. We can become preoccupied with ourselves and with our own needs (even the need to
be a good listener!) These preoccupations keep us from really listening to the other
person.
Evaluative Listening
Most people, even when they listen attentively, listen evaluatively. That is, as they
listen, they are judging the merits of what the other person is saying in terms of
good-bad, right-wrong, acceptable-unacceptable, like-dislike and so on. Clergy are not
exempt from this tendency. It is practically impossible to completely suspend judgment.
Nevertheless it is possible to set one's judgment aside for the time being at the service
of understanding people, their words and their points of view. Understanding the other's
point of view is not the same as accepting it. Evaluative listening, translated into
advice giving, simply puts people off.
Filtered Listening
As we are socialized we develop a variety of filters through which we listen to ourselves,
others and the world around us. We need filters to provide structure for ourselves as we
interact with the world. But personal, familial, sociological religious and cultural
filters introduce various forms of bias into our listening and do so without our being
aware of it. For example, a white, middle-class helper probably tends to use white,
middle-class filters in listening to others. This makes little difference if the client
is also white and middle class. If, however, the helper is listening to someone from an
Asian family, or an African-American, or a subsistence farmer, the helper's cultural
filters introduce bias. Prejudice, whether conscious or not, distorts understanding.
Learning as Filters
Knowledge that we may have about psychology or theology may distort how we hear people.
Personality theories or religious categories can easily become pigeonholes; diagnostic
labels can take precedence over the person being diagnosed. If what you "hear" is theory
and not the person, you can be "correct" in your assessment but lose the person. What you
know and learn about may help you organize what you hear, but it may also distort your
listening.
Fact-Centered Rather than Person-Centered Listening
Some helpers ask a lot of informational questions, as if the person would feel better if
enough facts about him or her were known. It is entirely possible to collect all the
facts and, once again, miss the person. The antidote is to listen to clients contextually,
trying to focus on themes and key messages.
Rehearsing
When helpers ask themselves, "How am I to respond to what the person is saying?" they stop
listening. When we begin to mull over the "perfect response" to what someone is saying,
we stop listening. Helping is more than the "technology" found in these pages. It is
also an art. Helpers who listen intently to people and to the themes and core messages
imbedded in what they are saying are never at a loss in responding. They don't need to
rehearse.
Sympathetic Listening
Those we are with are in pain, or have been victimized by others or by society. Often
they arouse feelings of sympathy within us. Sometimes these feelings are strong enough to
distort the stories that we are being told by them. Sympathy has an unmistakable place in
human relationships, but its "use" is limited in helping. In a sense, when I sympathize
with someone I become his or her accomplice. If I sympathize with a woman who tells me
how awful her husband is, I take sides without knowing the whole story. Helpers should
not become accomplices in letting client self-pity drive out problem-managing action.
Interrupting
There are benign and malignant forms of interrupting. Sometimes a person presents a very long monologue that can be interrupted with a gentle
gesture and a comment such as, "You've made several points; I want to make sure I understood them". This promotes understanding and dialogue.
If, however, the helper cuts the person off in mid-thought because the helper has something important to say, the helper is using a malignant
form of interrupting.
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